This is my first Sunday in Kolomiya, Ukraine and I must say it is awesome. We finished our time in Oradea, Romania around a week ago and headed to Bucharest (the capital) for our month four debrief. We stayed for a week in Bucharest for teaching, team meetings, and relaxation. On Friday night we left on an overnight bus to the Ukraine and after a few bumps a long the way we made it to our new home. All I can say is that each month keeps getting better.

This month we are staying in the home of a pastor, with his wife and daughter. We are the first World Race team they have hosted and it will be a challenge to out-serve them. We have been welcomed with open and eager hearts into their church family. Their church is not big (17 people), but they are eager to see change in the hearts of their community. In this region there is a lot of hardness. Everyone professes to believe in God, but it is a faith based on works and following the rules laid down by the church. The church we are working with longs to build relationships in order that these religious people might encounter Jesus Christ. We will begin by teaching English in schools and by offering to be conversation partners with college students in the city. I am very excited to see what God wants to do this month. This summer the church is hosting an English camp and as we teach and build relationships we hope to provide momentum for their summer camp. I can't believe how welcoming our new friends have been and how they have immediately invited us into their hearts and lives.

On a personal note I feel very rejuvenated after our time in Bucharest. I have this new concept in my mind- I have begun to see all of my emotions and feelings as balloons. Hang with me a second. I have been running around trying to pop all of these balloons (like feelings of shame, guilt, fear, pride, judgement, etc) whenever I start to feel them rise up because I know they shouldn't be there. I ran around so much emotionally that much of my life was consumed with what was going on in me. I was trying so hard to figure out how to get rid of these feelings that I couldn't really live. I now see this way of going about it (popping balloons) as just another way I try to control my sin. Now as I feel these balloons rising I am more able to just let them go and rise up to God. As I see and recognize them, I confess them and then I let them go. I have decided I cannot pop them. Since I have begun to see things this way I have so much more energy and mental capacity to engage in the world around me. It is amazing. God is good.

Some of our Romanian friends took us for a day adventure to explore some caves.  We hiked a bit, explored a cave, and grilled mici (a very good Romanian sausage).

The mici tasted like the best hotdog I've ever had.

A spring from one of the caves.

I'm realizing the title of my last two blogs reveals a pattern of thinking- one I have lived in most of my life: “I broke it.” My next thought: ok, how can this be fixed? I have been searching anxiously to find out how I can be fixed. I didn't want any more thoughts, emotions, or feelings that came from any place of control or fear of my body image/eating crap. I wanted it gone and I was desperate. Seriously desperate. Deep down I was in a panic. What did I need to do to make this go away? How can I show God I was serious? Well, if I'm honest, deep down I was desperate to find a way out of this mess without Jesus. I didn't want to do it his way. He tells us this:

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” (John 16:33)

I didn't want trouble. I wanted him to make the trouble go away. I didn't want to enter into my mess, I just wanted it fixed. I was tired of worrying and I just wanted that feeling of guilt to disappear. I was constantly trying to wrestle my emotions into submission and I was losing. The more I fought, the more I thought about it, and the more frustrated and tight I got.

I just kept hearing, “Let it go and look to me.”

I didn't want to depend on God. I was convinced that if these feeling didn't go away then I would never have rest or contentment.

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” (Matthew 11:28-30)

A clear promise that coming to him will bring rest for my soul. Instead of taking away my feelings and emotions, he was telling me to let them come out, relax, and look to him.

“That's it, let them come. Look at me.”

I was reminded of when I was a little girl and had just had a nightmare. Irrationally afraid, I could not be reasoned with. My dad came to the rescue and layed down next to me. I still could taste the fear that had consumed me, but I KNEW that nothing could touch me when I was next to my papa. Absolutely nothing. I felt safe and secure. I relaxed and fell asleep, content to be there.

I am sure you see the connection. I do not know safety and security apart from my fear. I do not know the power of my Father's presence without first feeling his absence. I cannot be comforted if nothing has upset me. My heavenly Father wants to be my comfort and the person I look to when I start to fear and take control.

But, oh, it gets even better. I saw this analogy quite clearly and it made me really mad. I was ticked. Deep down I am in rebellion. Part of me hates the fact I have to live a life of dependence on him. I do not want to live dependent on him. I want him to fix me so that I can live independently. God and I took a little walk and I told him all the reasons why I hated this. I told him all the things I hated and I eventually laughed at how ridiculous I was. Here was the end of our conversation:

“I hate the fact that I have to live dependent on you. I want to live my own way. I hate the fact that you are the only way. I know I have no other option but you- I know it. I just really want it my way. Ah, but you are the ONLY way. I still don't like it. It makes me mad. But, if you will take me like this then you can have me. I don't have any other choice.”

I had no idea I was so mad. I realized the rebellion in my heart and life went really deep. I realized that he is wooing me, a rebel, by his love into a redemption that I cannot see and don't deserve.

My conclusion is this. The mess is good, confusion makes me trust, and his grace is deeper than I can know.

A sigh of relief.

Now I know I have a limp. I can't fix it, but he is teaching me how to walk with it.

Me in Budapest.

In my last blog I realized that I had to look forward and there was no help in looking anywhere else. I have constantly felt this tug to look backwards; I wanted to return to where I started. But, if I had succeeded in going back to my pre-fall state I could potentially fall again into slavery, shame, and guilt. That was why I was being told to look forward, to the new thing. God's new plan is not to bring us back to the garden. His new plan is redemption. He is making us into a new creation, a new sort of being. One that will never again be able to fall into sin- one who guilt, shame, lies, fear, and pride will never again cause to stumble. We will be free of them, but not because we don't know what they are or have never experienced them; we will be beyond their reach. He wants to make us truly free. I want to be truly free, that is why I must continue forward and not backward.

Yes, I understand.

Him: For you were not healed in the past, because if you had been whole nothing could have undone you.

Me: That makes sense.

Him: So, I want to heal you in my way, in my timing, making it look like what I want it to. I want to give you a hug, but in my own way. In a special way, just for you.

Me: I freely let go of my own expectations for my healing, for a hug, for my life, for anything. I choose your way. But more than that, I want it to be your way. Your way is better, way better, than mine. And I wait with eager expectation to see how you will work this out. If I must wait till I die, I will wait. It is worth waiting for. I just don't think I can make it. Father, I faint with thirst, I can't live with this death anymore. I just want it gone! Please, take it from me. That's all I got.

I saw clearly and told God that unless the Holy Spirit did something deep in me and changed something, I was in trouble. I wanted all these thoughts and feelings to just go away, but he wanted me to be open to something else.

Him: Good, that is good. I am faithful, I hear your cry. I will come to you, and I will not delay. Hear me, I will not delay. The second it is best for you, I will be there.

This conversation was hard. It cost me. I couldn't see past my idea of what healing looked like. I was suffocating in my heart and mind and I just wanted it to end. When I understood that I had to give up my own ideas and trust that his idea of it was better I felt like crying. What if it wasn't what I wanted? I could only see the freedom I had in the past. He told me to look forward. I said ok.

Throughout that day and the next I still found myself hoarding food and feeling panicky. I was still worried about money. I was still stuck. As I sat down to eat lunch I found myself alone with Hope, my squad leader. We started chatting about what I was going through. She asked me if I knew the root of it and I told her what I thought it was. Hadn't I already figured that out? My identity was wrapped up in what I looked like. I told her my story and she listened. I'm grateful she was listening. After I got done she told me what she heard was control. It was me trying to control my life through food. Control. It hit me. Ah, I finally saw it! I was trying to control everything. Everything- my body, what I was eating, how much money I spent, how people perceived me, what I said, what I thought, basically every detail of my life- especially my sin. I had vowed to never get out of control. That's too scary. If I'm not in control, who is? Plus, self-control is a fruit of the Spirit, right? Well, yes, but I missed the part that it came from the Spirit.

I hate lack of control because I want to be a very disciplined person. I like order, lists, and schedules. Do not hear me saying these things are bad. Hear me when I say I am a control freak. To say I was relieved when Hope pointed this out is an understatement. I went back to my bed and lay there in relief. Control was the root and it was manifesting in my life as trying to control anything I could get my hands on. Thank you Jesus for showing me this.

I lay there contemplating this. I began to pray and thank God for his goodness. “Father, I thank you that I know you better and I know you are good. Jesus, thank you for being with me and that I know you are good. Holy Spirit, I don't really know you. But, you are a part of the trinity and so I know you, too, are good.” I was hiding under the covers, thinking I was going to take an afternoon nap, and something happened. Brought to my mind were some of the many ways I try to maintain control of my life- just how much my mind worked to figure everything out and anticipate the events of this life. I felt a shaking and kind of warmth come up my body and impressed on my mind was Romans 8:6, “the mind controlled by the Spirit is life and peace,” with an emphasis on controlled. A peace came into my mind and I began to relax, to breathe.

I had an encounter with the Holy Spirit and a new peace fills my mind. “If by the Spirit you put to death the misdeeds of the body, you will live”. I now can fight.

That night I went for a walk with Jill. Right before we left I had eaten a bunch of chili. I was trying to decide if I ate too much, yada yada, and getting frustrated that I was started to walk down the same path in my mind. I knew that I had a new way to fight this, but I didn't really know what that meant. Jill started talking about a cool analogy God had given her. The church services we go to are all in Romanian and we are provided with translators who come and sit amongst us to tell us what is going on. During one service she realized that all of her attention was completely focused on the translator behind her; her head was tilted backwards and she was ignoring all else around her. She was not listening to the pastor or looking at the words on the screen. It might have looked strange to the Romanians around, but her only chance of understanding the environment around her, of knowing what was being said or done, was to listen to the interpreter. She had no ability on her own to understand, but she had been provided with someone to interpret for her. She began to see how the Spirit was her interpreter for life. She didn't know what was going on in the people around her, what they were thinking, feeling, or going through. But, if she listened to her interpreter she could discern the world around her and understand it.

As she spoke I realized my dilemma was being answered. The Spirit was now my interpreter. To fight I first need to listen. How do I fight this? I began to hear my answers.

Lift up your eyes . As I was walking I realized that I was always looking at the ground where I was walking to make sure that I wouldn't trip. I constantly was watching the ground. I lifted up my eyes and began to see the beauty around me and even as I walked I felt a new freedom. I also have stopped looking at my belly in the mirror. I now look myself in the eyes. I also catch myself when I start looking at the people around me to see what they are doing or eating. I have begun to listen to the Spirit when I question what I'm eating or doing. He usually tells me to relax and breathe. Emotionally, physically, and spiritually my eyes have begun to look up.

Having fun in Budapest:)

I don't know how to really start this blog because I don't know how to do justice to what God is showing me and doing in me. I found when I was writing my last blog this feeling of desperation to be healed and changed in a real way and I felt frantic as I searched for what that looks like. I questioned whether God heals completely and if so, would he do that for me? In my last blog I wrote:

“I know our God is a God of healing and full redemption. I believe that. Then why wasn't that translating into my life and heart. What was I missing? With these questions in mind I went to church asking God to just help me. And He didn't fail me.”

Then I shared about how at church that day I was reminded of forgiveness and how hard it is for me to receive and walk in that. It felt good to recognize this, but if I'm honest I felt like I was still missing something. It just didn't translate into my heart and life. The pastor that morning also spoke on two verses that I wrote down and I am just now recognizing the reality of them.

I read Ephesians 1:18-2:10, but verse 2:1 is what is now really speaking to me: “As for you, you were dead in your transgressions and sins, in which you used to live when you followed the ways of this world and of the ruler of the kingdom of the air”. In my own words, I am dead when my thought patterns follow the ways of this world. In my journal that day I wrote down Galations 5:16, “So I say, live by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the sinful nature.” Right after that I wrote down the question, “Am I not living by the Spirit, is that my problem?” I then moved on to other doubts and questions that were circulating in my mind. My questions just seemed to hang in the air.

A couple of days later I snapped. I had been telling Jesus about how I wanted healing and to be free of thoughts of food and my body. But, instead of the relief I was expecting I had grown more panicky. I found myself hoarding my food in fear of not getting enough to eat, snarfing down my meals, hoarding my money and worrying about my budget. I told Jesus I was sick of this (insert choice word), questioned whether he had changed my heart at all, that I was tired of fighting, tired of trying, tired of missing whatever I was supposed to understand. I yelled at him because I knew he could heal me and he wasn't. I told him I was desperate, really desperate, but that I was stuck in my own head and couldn't get out of it. I had thought I was making progress and almost free, but I found myself back where I started. I didn't know what I was even afraid of to make me hoard food and money and I couldn't see because I was lost in darkness.

Then I did the only thing I knew to do. I imagined myself climbing on to the Father's lap, longing to just be a child again. I saw myself as a little girl that had gotten sticky jam all over her mouth and as she was trying to wipe it off she was just spreading it everywhere. I told him, “Father, I broke it. Will you fix it? There is nothing I can do. I am broken and cannot fix it. Please fix it.” I didn't really know what was wrong, but I knew something was and I had no clue what. I knew I was stuck until he showed up.

I thanked him, because I know my Father can fix anything. Then we had this conversation:

Him: Let's get this straight- you've recognized you really can't change your heart, bring healing to your mind and patterns of thinking?

Me: Correct

Him: You long for freedom, to be like a child, to run, frolic, laugh, eat, sing, dance, and cry?

Me: Correct

Him: You want me to give you a hug because you think it will heal you?

Me: Yes

Him: But, you have given up expectations of what healing and a hug look like and you've heard me tell you, “Do not look to the past, for behold, I am doing a new thing.”

In my desperation to fix myself I was continually looking at how those around me were living and especially at how I had lived in the past when food and body image issues were not on my radar. I was trying so hard to be like how I used to be. In my mind I had been free in the past and lost my freedom. God used Isaiah 43: 18-19 to speak to me.

Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past.

See, I am doing a new thing!

Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?

No, I couldn't perceive it. I knew that he was doing something new, but I couldn't see or imagine what that was. I told him that. In my mind I was trying to become like I was when I was a child, before I had messed myself up. At least that was how I saw it. I was trying to go backwards, to how I used to be. I see it better now. I was trying to get back into the garden of Eden. In the garden, before the fall, we were free from sin and shame. Free to laugh and love and run. Free to be who we are. The only problem with the garden was that we could still fall- we were free, but we were not safe from sin. We still had the potential to be broken. I was trying to get back to what I saw as my garden, which was my emotional state when I was younger. I've begun to understand that I wasn't truly free. I wasn't truly free because the potential was still there to be ruined and stuck in shame. And that's what happened. There was a point in time where I wasn't consumed with what I ate or what I looked like, but who I was wasn't free from it- only in circumstance was I free from it.

I now understand; I am a new creation. I am being redeemed and changed, not brought back to former things. I now can look forward and not backwards.

This is part one of a two part blog I have written.  Not only did God show me where I was looking, he showed me himself in a new way.

My teammate Lynnsey and I in front of the Parliament building of Budapest, Hungary.

A funny statue in Budapest.

Overlooking Budapest.

Today is Easter Sunday in Romania. I wasn't aware of this fact, but here Easter is a week later. This fact is thrilling because last Sunday we were in transit over the Atlantic and didn't get to really celebrate. I am grateful we got to go to an Easter church service this morning and that God used it to speak to my heart.

About two days ago I brought a question to my team that had been circulating unprocessed in my mind for who knows how long. “Does God give complete healing, here, in this life?” I'm not gonna lie, I'm growing sick of any little thought that enters my mind about what I look like, what I'm eating, or how much I'm working out. Any thought at all. I am sick of my days being tainted with these thoughts. I am tired of fighting them. I want to be healed and I feel like I've been fighting for it, and now I feel stuck. So, I decided bring this question to my team. I asked them if they believed God gave complete healing and if they thought I could be healed. Unequivocally, YES! They said it with more class and power, but in essence I heard a resounding yes.

Of course I am grateful for their support, but I know them telling me YES! does nothing to change my heart. Linnsey then stepped in and told me that she writes questions like this down, prays about them, and then waits for God to answer her himself. She advised me to do this as well. It sounded good to me, so I've started to ask God myself if He will heal me.

Don't get me wrong. I know the right answer. Of course He is capable of complete healing. In my mind, though, I couldn't reconcile why He would do this for me. Wasn't my desire to be free just a hidden desire to be independent from Him? Shouldn't I struggle so that I had to depend on Him more? Gosh, these questions seem so much like truth that even as I write them I don't know what to believe. Am I supposed to wait until heaven to be free of my body image/identity crisis?

I know our God is a God of healing and full redemption. I believe that. Then why isn't that translating into my life and heart. What am I missing? With these questions in mind I went to church asking God to just help me. And He didn't fail me.

The sermon was in Romanian, but I conveniently had a young Romanian women come sit by me to translate for our group. The message was on the resurrection and what that meant. Through the pastor and translator I heard about forgiveness. I don't know how many times I have repented and tried to give up my sin, but I know it didn't cross my mind to receive God's forgiveness. As I processed this it seemed to me that His grace and forgiveness for me were raining down all around me, but I was still under my umbrella. For some reason I couldn't come out into the rain and receive forgiveness. This realization blew my mind. I had been trying to do more to become free, but I was missing the gift that I have been given. I missed hearing Jesus say on the cross, “Father, forgive them. For they know not what they do.” I forgot that Jesus came so that we could be forgiven, so that God's wrath would no longer be upon us. I forgot that my past is covered by the blood of Jesus. I forgot that I didn't have to try to figure all of this out so that I would be acceptable. I forgot that Jesus paid it all and that we live forgiven for our short-comings.

And on Easter morning, I was reminded. Now I remember and I can declare, “I am forgiven!” I am ready to more fully receive the reality of God's forgiveness for me and ready for it to transform my heart.

Me in downtown Oradea, Romania.

Oradea, Romania

Sometimes I just don't get my life and right now is one of those times. I'll try to let you in on my world. I am sitting at a picnic table in the middle of a farm. A farm that has dairy cows, fields, chirping birds, grass sprinkled with dandelions, a glorious blue sky, puffy clouds, and a slight waft of manure drifting through the air. I worked out (barefoot, which is delightful) this morning and just finished eating breakfast. We have fresh whole milk from the cows on the farm (if I've ever gone off on a nutrition schpeel in your presence you might now the significance of this for me) and yesterday I learned how to do construction on a house. I am living in a hotel that I would pay money to vacation at and we have hot showers. I could go on, but you probably get the picture that I am quite content in this moment.

My fourth month on the World Race will be spent in a precious Romanian city called Oradea. We are being hosted by Comunal Felix, which means “Happy Home”, and are living on a farm outside of the city. Comunal Felix is a community. Their purpose is to provide homes, physical homes as well as a mom and a dad, for orphans. Their priorities are God, the family, and the church. We will be doing activities with the children once or twice a week and partnering with Habitat for Humanity to build houses. I am so excited to learn more of what it means to construct a house and get my hands dirty with whatever we are asked to do.

More and more often I find myself exclaiming, “Seriously, God, who are you?” I can't say enough about the people who I live with day in and day out, the things I get to see, the freedom I am walking into, and I just don't get it sometimes. Why is God so good to me? Why is He so good, period?

When I realized that He wanted me to come on the Race and leave my family and everything I could trust by sight I was terrified.

Matthew 16:25

If you try to hang on to your life, you will lose it. But if you give up your life for my sake, you will save it. NLT

I know this to be true. I know because I was trying so hard to hang onto my life and I was empty. When God called me, I came. And now I have found the source of life. While walking with one of my friends we started to talk about what it might be like to go home after the Race. The thought of not living in community and leaving the excitement of new places and fun adventures depressed me for a moment. I expressed this to her and sat in it. Does life, life like I'm coming to know it, go on after we get home? I doubted for a moment.

“But we need to remember that the reason for this trip is God and that He doesn't leave us when we get home.”

The truth of her words hit me and I laughed at my silliness. Of course life like I'm coming to know it goes on after I get home. Life goes on because Jesus is the life I've discovered on this trip and He promises to never leave me. He asked me to go on this adventure with Him and this is just the start of life abundant with Him. Not only will it continue, it will become richer and more abundant.

Seriously God, why are you so good?

I have no other answer than the one he gives us: "I am".  He just is.

Jill and I after our walk. 

Part of the farm we are staying at.  I love cows:)

The Romanian fields that surround us.  I could just as well be at home in good old North Dakota!

Team Night Vision in New York City.  We got to explore the city during our 22 hour lay-over in New York on our way from Honduras to Romania.  It was one of our last times as team Night Vision because now I am on team Break Forth.

We left Honduras three days ago and as I am writing this I am waiting for a delayed train in Bucharest, Romania to take us to our new ministry site.  It is chilly out and last night we walked through drizzling streets to our hostel.  The weather is just one indication of the changes that have occurred in the last 4 days.  I am now on a new team, on a new continent, and I truly feel like a different person.  Not different in the way that I have changed, more like I am me more fully.  It's kinda neat.

We left Honduras amidst many teary hugs.  There are many of my squadmates who already have plans to return to Honduras after the World Race to join in Zion's Gate Ministry.  I really enjoyed my time in Teguicigulpa, but I do not share fully in their pain.  If anything I become excited seeing their hearts breaking for the boys we met in Honduras and their determination to return to invest even more in the lives of our new friends. 

My experience this third month has been one of stepping into a new confidence in my own skin.  Leadership and team changes always bring out pride and jealousy in me... a feeling that if I had performed better and spoken up more I would be seen as special or good enough to be chosen.  We were all aware that  at the end of our third month, before heading to Europe, there would be team changes and new squad leaders chosen.  In a two hour processing time before we met our new teams God gave me time to process all of this jealousy and pride in my heart.  At first I yelled at him a bit, but I eventually began to ask Him some important questions.  Namely the question of, “Did I obey you?  Did I speak when you wanted me to?  Was I silent when you wanted me to not speak?”

As I sat there waiting for some sort of answer I realized that I wouldn't be given one, at least not in this moment.  I knew I was supposed to answer for myself.  “Did I obey Him?”  In my heart I knew the answer.  I had obeyed to the best of my ability and my conscious was clear.  Just like Paul talks about, my conscious is clear, but that doesn't make me innocent.  I'm fairly certain I fell short in some way.  But with a clear conscious I can look people in the eyes and say yes, I have obeyed our Father the best I know how.  It began to dawn on me that this was what was required of me.  To listen, to speak when prompted to, and to keep my mouth shut when told to.  I had done all that I knew was being asked of me and for this reason I could sit in peace with all the decisions that were being made.

As the freedom of this realization dawned on me I knew that what I was a part of, what I am a part of this very second, and what I will be a part of the rest of my life is bigger than my old and new teams, bigger than my squad, bigger than the World Race and Adventures in Missions, bigger even than this world and this time period: I am a part of an eternal kingdom, one that is advancing and cannot be stopped or hindered.  Yes, I wanted to be chosen as a leader and seen as needed or special.  But the decisions being made were being made to invest in people and to set my friends free; to set me free.  What our new squad looks like on the outside didn't matter to me anymore because I don't know what each person needs for growth and freedom.  I don't know what I need.  And God's way is so much better than the picture I have of what things should be. 

I am willing to wait until the final day, the crazy glorious day when our kingdom is finally fully established and I can hear the judgment of my life from my Father himself.  What a glorious day and I will wait for it.  It is worth waiting for that day.

Me and Hope, one of my squad leaders.

Zion's Gate ministry.  We slept and cooked in this building.

Our tent city.

A glimpse of all the rocks we pulled out of the soil.  We spent a lot of time trying to get rocks out of the soil so we could plant trees.

In some ways this month has been the craziest and busiest month so far. There are places to go, people to see, sports to play, chores to do, and blogs to write. It has also been the most peaceful for me. Despite my surroundings, I find myself better able to draw boundaries for myself while fully engaging in the world around me. This is kinda new for me and very freeing. I can participate and keep my soul sane. I'm kinda new at this so we'll see how I'm doing after our last week here:)

In this new place I find myself really searching and digging to discover who God really designed me to be. Basically a week into our first month in Guatemala I discovered I really didn't know who I was. And this month I found myself begging God to just get rid of anything in me that I had made up for myself that wasn't of Him. I just want to be who He wants me to be and do what He wants me to do. So, there's that.

The question also crosses my head in the morning of wondering what to do during the day. How can I live today, like be alive? The kind of alive that Jesus means when He tells us that He has come that we might have life and have it abundantly. Reading in John I found a passage that spoke to me in a new way. John 15: 10-13 “If you keep my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have kept my Father's commands and remain in his love. I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete. My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one's life for one's friends.”

I am on a quest for joy and life. So what really sticks out to me in this passage is that Jesus tells us when we keep his commands that his his joy is in us and our joy is complete. I don't need any more convincing that the way I've been doing life isn't very free or joyful. I am now trying to figure out how to love my friends like Jesus loved us. Ha, even as I'm typing this I know the next step. It says we should love as Jesus loved us, but I don't think I really know how Jesus loves me.

Jesus, will you show me how you love me?

This month we are together as a whole squad. It has been a blast!!! We are located a little ways outside of the Honduran capital of Tegucigulpa and surrounded by beautiful scenery. The ministry is called Zion's Gate and being here has been an absolute pleasure. Our ministry host is an American who has started a place where boys from the streets of Tegucigulpa can be raised up out of drugs and gangs into a life with Christ.

The work we are doing is all over the place. We have basically been invited by our host to consider his ministry as our ministry. We have been given permission to dream and create with our own unique passions. Some people are teaching drama and music in the schools, some are working with political connections in the capital, some are designing a website for the ministry, some painting art on the buildings, some planting gardens, some visiting the city dump to minister to people, some people pouring into the boys, and the list goes on. It has been super exciting to be invited to dream and encouraged to work out of our passions.

For me I have crazy enjoyed getting to know the rest of my squad. There are about forty of us with tents in the yard and inside a building camping together and living life together. I have been blessed getting to know in a new way the rest of the people I'm walking this journey with.

We started our time in Honduras with a squad debrief, meaning we met together to process our first two months of ministry and growth. As I shared in my last blog, at debrief God called me to stand up. This month he has really been just teaching me to have a voice and to take care of myself. I find myself better able to stand up for myself and express my ideas. It's been so freeing to let go of this weight I've been carrying around my whole life that said I had to have everything figured out before I let anything out of my mouth. It feels so good to be stepping into the person God has made me to be instead of holding back in fear of what others will think of me. The first two months of this race for me was God breaking me of a lot of things. I'm sure there is still more to be broken. But right now He is starting to show me who I am and what He has made me to do. I'm still not quite sure exactly what yet, but something in me has shifted. To sum up how I am I would reply to the question, “How are you doing?” with the response, “I'm different.”